Beauty and The Lord Of Darkness
by Insider2000
Summary: Lord Dracula must find a maiden to produce an offspring for the sake of the future. What does this bring forth? A parody of Beauty and the Beast and Castlevania. Rated M for language, violence, sex, and Death.
1. Act 1: The Enchantress

Act 1: The Enchantress

* * *

"What stands before you is a tale. A man who was bitterly defeated by the forces of death when he lost his one true maiden. Upon losing that maiden, he grew cruel and horrible. In an act to defy God, he found a way to defy death itself. An immortal being of unlimited power. Now, as countless hunters run to their death, a dark and grim castle, Castlevania, stands and brings for a dark shadow over all of humanity. And on the throne of this castle, a man plots the doom of all of humanity. But in this plot, a maiden is required. The lord tires and weeps, for who could ever learn to love…Lord Dracula…" Death sighs.

"Death!" Dracula screams at the top of his voice. "What in the name fleamen are you doing?"

"Nothing Lord Master Dracula! Just writing my fan fiction!"

"My God! You're such a waste of life!"

"….Well….I am Death after all…"

"Silence! Where is this infernal vixen!" Dracula stomps his boots in anger.

Suddenly, the door to the throne room slams open. A mummy, Akmodan II, comes rushing into the room. "Dracula! She's here! The Enchantress is here!"

A frail old woman steps into the throne room. She has a very annoyed look on her face. Dracula rushes to her. "Enchantress! Oh, how wonderful it is to see you!" He prepares to kiss her hand.

"Don't kiss my clean hand with your vagina lips. I'm low on hand sanitizer." The Enchantress steps back.

"Hand…what?" Death tilts his head in confusion.

"Nevermind. Might I have some…tea?"

Dracula snaps. "OH! Of course! SUCCUBUS!"

A barely dressed succubus runs into the room with a tea tray. Her breasts giggle too much for normal breasts. She stands next to the Enchantress who is sitting down. "Tea?"

Enchantress laughs. "And 'A'." She laughs harder, and coughs from the pain. "Sure, kid."

Succubus pours two cups of tea, and passes them to Dracula and the Enchantress. "Enjoy." She stands next to Death and Akmodan.

Dracula takes a sip. "Delicious." He places his cup down. "So tell me….how long…..do you think my reign of terror will last?"

The Enchantress nods. "I've looked into your future. Your reign of terror will truly bring fear to millions."

"Yes!"

"None shall truly be as feared as you."

"Yes!!!"

"And you will become the greatest force of darkness known to man."

"YES!!!!!"

"But your reign will only last until you are next defeated."

"Y~ WHAT!?!"

"I've already seen your future." She places her cup down. "You will be defeated, and that defeat will prevent your revival."

"Will I be able to see the turn of the new millennium?"

"No. You won't even be able to be in the Konami Race titles." She sips some more.

"I don't understand! Others have told me that my reign would end in 1999, either in defeat or the end of humanity!"

"Yes…….that is ONE branch of your reign."

"…..What do you mean….'one branch of my reign'."

"You see, the future holds many things. There is no linear path. For every trigger, there is an event. You have yet to pull the trigger to allow you to even reach 1999."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about 1797, you fool! The start of the video game that allows your video game series to progress!"

"1797!…wait….What's a video game?"

Enchantress thinks for a moment. "….Another word for reign of terror!"

"Fantastic! I love video games!"

"Of course. You see, your….reign of terror….will extend possibly even 1999. And extra battles will come, even if the battles are epic like ones against a Spaniard with a spear…or fights as pathetic as a sorceress who failed to meet everyone's expectations."

* * *

Around the early 1800s, Shanoa sits alone. "You know Enchantress……I have no emotion to feel bad about that….so your cruel remark has been abolished."

* * *

Back in present time, Enchantress grabs her chest. "My pride! I'm having an argument with someone who isn't even alive, and I feel hurt!"

"Silence woman! What should I do!"

"…….You must procreate yourself…."

"….What?"

Enchantress sighs in annoyance. "You must reproduce…"

"Oh!….What?"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!" Lightning strikes. "Fuck someone! Knock someone up! Make someone have your groin spawn!"

"OH! You mean have a son?"

"….Sure…."

"Okay….Succubus! Prepare the oil! We have a night together."

Succubus claps her hand with joy, only to be stopped by Enchantress. "No! It must be with a human."

Dracula cringes. "….Oh…..so…….you?"

Enchantress giggles. "No! My ovaries collapsed long ago. You must find a woman of pure heart."

"DAMNIT!" His voice echoes across the halls.

"It is the month of February, so you have 29 days. In those 29 days if you don't find someone to reproduce with, you're reign of terror will be frail."

Death bumped into the conversation. "But it isn't a leap year."

"Then 28 days." Enchantress cackles as she flies out of the room. The door slams as she flies out.

Dracula begins pounding Death into the floor. "YOU MORONIC PIECE OF FILTH! I LOST A DAY CAUSE OF YOU!"

"AH! MY SPINE!" Death sobs.

"Wait!" Succubus points to something new in the room. A single rose in the center of the dinning table.

Dracula walks away from Death and towards the rose. The voice of the Enchantress echoes through Dracula's mind. "Consider this rose your time. For when the last pedal falls, you will have failed to do your duty."

Dracula thinks for a minute. "Can I rape?"

The voice returns. "NO!"

"FINE!" He turns back towards Death and the others. "Alright, who wants our reign of terror to be eternal!" Everyone raises their hand, including Death who is wounded on the floor. "Then tonight we eat! But tomorrow, I dine with a woman!" Everyone cheers with joy. The cheers echo throughout the castle.

But who could ever learn to love Lord Dracula……


	2. Act 2: Maiden of Innocence

Act 2: Maiden of Innocence

* * *

A small cottage near a waterfall awakens in a new morning. A young girl, Lisa, steps out of her cottage with a basket. Inside the basket is the last book she read. She smiles as she walks to the heart of the village. She began to sing. "Small village, it's a quiet town. Every moment, same as the one before. Small village, filled with loud mouthed people. Waking up to say….."

Suddenly, a huge amount of villagers point towards Lisa. "WITCH!" "WITCH!" "A WITCH?" "A WITCH!" "A WITCH?!?"

Lisa gasps. "I'm not a witch!" They suddenly rush towards her and grab her book. They point to the book screaming, "WITCH!", and proceed to go burn the book.

Lisa sighs. "There go the witch hunters, annoying as always. Always finding things to burn. Every burning just the same, since the morning that I came. To this fucking annoying town."

"Good morning Lisa!"

"Good morning, fine sir."

"Where you off to?"

"The book shop. They just burned my book alive, and I need to get a new…"

"That's great!" The man pointed to his chains. "I'm about to be burned alive myself. Enjoy yourself, Lisa."

Lisa notices her book being burned, and then rushes into the bookshop. "AH! Lisa."

"Good morning. I'm here to get a new book."

"They burned yours already?"

"Oh, but I already finished it. Got anything new?"

"Haha! They burned that too."

"That's alright!" Lisa sudden grabs a black book. "I'll borrow this one!"

"THAT ONE! BUT THAT'S…" Suddenly a bunch of witch hunters bust into the room and captures the bookstore owner. "Well….Lisa….you can have it. My store is closed forever. I'm off to be burned."

Lisa sits in the center of town, reading her new book. "The Evils of Lord Dracula. I wonder who that could be…" She reads quietly.

Suddenly, a man comes towards Lisa. "Lisa darling. Why do you read so much? You should be trying to marry me! Because no one is sexier than Gasto…"

"WITCH!" A bunch of witch hunters grab Gaston and burn him. However, Gaston cannot be burned by fire. Because no flesh can burn like Gaston's. Gaston leaps from the fire and rushes into the woods.

"Well…." Lisa scratches her head. "That's an interesting way to alter Gaston's plot device…"

"Lisa!" Lisa's father walks towards her. "I…."

"WITCH!" He…..is burned alive….. Too bad he wasn't Gaston….

"I guess I'm an orphan then…" Lisa looks towards a corner of town. Dozens of women are gathering in front of the pub. "What's going on over there?"


	3. Act 3: Drake and Dean

Act 3: Drake and Dean

* * *

Dracula and Death take deep breaths. "Okay. Will use our magic to make us LOOK different. Then, we will speak with every eligible maiden." Dracula smiles. "It's perfect!"

Death claps his hands with joy. "OH! How about we do a reality show! Kind of like the Bachelor."

"I'm going to ignore that. Remember, I'm Lord Drake. You're Sir Dean! Got it?"

"Of course, Lord Dracula!"

Inside the pub, Lord Drake introduces himself. "Greetings ladies." Women begin swooning. "I am Lord Drake! And I am in search of a bride!" Sir Dean walks forward. "And this…..is my homosexual brother…Sir Dean…."

"HEY!" Sir Dean waves.

"BURN THE WITCH!" Several people point at Sir Dean.

Sir Dean, who is of course really Death, laughs until his voice suddenly turns demonic. "YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME, AND I'LL CUT YOUR SCALP OFF!"

Witch hunters gasp and run away.

Lord Drake smiles. "Alright. Bring in the maidens."

* * *

Dean smiles at the lady. "And you are?"

"My name is Pearl. And I like to sew."

Drake sighs. "Riveting. Next!"

Dean looks towards Drake. "What are you doing? You need to look for an innocent maiden."

"Yeah, but I want an ATTRACTIVE innocent maiden."

* * *

"Hello. I'm Ritz…"

"I want someone who isn't named after a cracker…"

* * *

"I sense a soul in search of answers…"

"How about someone who ISN'T from Diablo?"

* * *

"Ay, iyaiyai…where's my samurai."

"Too racist…"

* * *

"Hi. I'm Daisy." Daisy from the Mario series sits in front of Lord Drake.

"I'm looking for someone who is innocent. Not someone who runs around chasing people with a chainsaw. In fact…….visit my castle sometime. We can work something out."

"Daisy want blood!"

* * *

Lord Drake slams his fist. "DAMNIT! Is there anyone attractive AND innocent?"

"There's no such thing, my lord."

Suddenly, Lisa comes into view. Drake turns to her. His heart races with excitement. "Um….hello."

"Hi. My name is Lisa."

Drake smiles and just stares. Dean shakes his Lord to wake him up from his daydream, but his is too far deep. "Lord….Lord?"

Drake suddenly smacks Dean away. "SO! Tell me about yourself?"

"Well….Konami doesn't want to reveal anything about me, really. So….I don't know anything about me."

"My lack of a God! She's almost perfect."

Dean grabs Lord Drake's ear. "But we have to see if she is innocent." Dean looks towards Lisa. "……My Lord Drake would like to…….impregnate you…."

Drake grabs Dean. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?!"

"You want to what? What's that mean?" Lisa tilts her head in confusion.

"I….you….don't know what that means?" Lisa nods her head. "Well….he wants to have….sex with you." Drake punches Dean for saying that.

"……What's…….sex……?"

Drake and Dean stare in shock. "Give us a moment." Drake pulls Dean aside. "Is she really that stupid?"

"No. It's called innocence and naivety. My Lord! This lady is more naïve than that Twlight book!"

"Indeed!" He looks towards Lisa. "She's so beautiful. She's the one!"

Dean claps his hands with joy. "Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!"

Lord Drake walks towards Lisa. "Ladies and gentlemen…..WE HAVE A WINNER!"


	4. Act 4: Bloody Teardrops on my Guitar

Act 4: Bloody Teardrops on my Guitar

* * *

Lisa walks quietly through a dark forest alone, heading towards Castlevania. "These are the directions. Follow the path of red dirt." The red dirt is actually blood. She doesn't even notice this. "Might as well read as I walk. That's not dangerous in anyway."

She reads out loud. "Lord Dracula is an evil vampire that live in Castlevania…." She passes by a large sign, which reads, 'Welcome to Castlevania'.

"In this realm, it is always night time. Beware, Lord Dracula's right hand man is Death."

Suddenly, Death starts frolicking around the forest. "Oh! Lord Dracula! Of course I'll fly with you!" Lisa doesn't even notice him.

"Many hunters have fought Lord Dracula." She starts walking over dozens of dead bodies. "But many have failed."

She finally reaches the front doors of Castlevania….but she's still reading. "If the doors of Castlevania open, never enter them…" The door opens and she walks right in.

She lowers the book. "Wow…this Dracula guy must be pretty bad." She gasps as she notices her surroundings. The walls bleed with blood. Bats screech and echo across the room. A werewolf is playing Street Fighter 4, as he screams and shouts at how much he sucks at it. Lisa gasps, "I made it to the castle! Sweet! Where's Lord Drake!?"

Death suddenly appears near her. "Jesus Anti-Christ, you're stupid!"

"I'm what?"

"Nothing."

"Wait….aren't you Sir Dean?"

"Actually, I'm really Death."

Lisa nods. "Oh…" She thinks for a minute, and then gasps. "So….you're not homosexual?"

Death opens his skull mouth to speak, but then slowly looks away. "No…" He stares at the ceiling. "I'm not…."

Dracula suddenly bursts into the room. "Hello."

"Wow!" Lisa looks towards Dracula. "Did you do something to your hair? And your teeth? And your skin? And your…"

"That's enough darling." Dracula takes the book she was reading. "What are you reading my sweet?" As he reads the title, he suddenly drops the book. "The Evils of the Disgusting Lord Dracula." His face turns cold with anger and betrayal. "How….dare you…."

"Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't know you hated fiction."

"YOU VIXEN!" He barges out of the room.

"Lord Dracula, wait!" Death rushes after him.

Lisa gasps. "Wait….Lord Dracula? HE'S LORD DRACULA! OH MY GOD!" Lisa begins running and screaming around the castle.

* * *

Dracula sits on his throne. "DAMNIT! I HATE EVERYTHING!"

"Lord Dracula! You must calm down!"

"MY INNER GERARD BUTLER IS COMING OUT!"

Death suddenly calms. "Really? What's that like?" Death begins wrapping his hood's cloth around his finger.

"…….Do you think there is still a chance?"

Death thinks for a moment. "I think there is a chance for everything." Death begins daydreaming.

* * *

_Daydream:_

_"Come on, Death. The lot of us!" Dracula and Death talk to each other in a dark pond, surrounded by bright lights and trees. The sky shines with stars. "We'll see the world suffer together!"_

_Death suddenly starts crying. "I….I can't…."_

_Dracula's face of enjoyment turns to sadness. He then smiles towards Death and walks up to him. He puts his hands on his shoulders. "Death…"_

_Death looks up in sadness. Dracula proceeds to kiss Death. The two fall into the water as they together reenact the kissing scene from Final Fantasy X._

* * *

Death smiles to himself. "Not until the end…always…."

"Death! Find me something to drink, and something else to break!"

Death giggles happily. "Yes my Lord Dracula!"

Dracula sits on his throne. "I hate love." Dracula snaps his finger. "Randomly created mirror to symbolize the mirror from the Disney Beauty and the Beast movie. Show me Lisa!"

The mirror suddenly shows a girl dressed in a red nurse outfit. She speaks sadly. "I get it now. Why I'm still alive even though everyone else is dead. I'm not the only one still walking around."

"NOT LISA FROM SILENT HILL, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" Dracula kicks the mirror across the room. "I hate love! I hate mirrors. I hate everything!" Dracula scratches the armrest of his throne. "There's a hole in the world, like a great black pit. And it's full of people who are filled with shit, and the vermin of the world inhabit it…."

Medusa peaks into the room. "NO SWEENY TODD REFERENCES!"

"I hate you!"

"Yeah! I heard that one, Anakin Skywalker! Go cut yourself!" Medusa walks away grumbling. "Seriously, walk it off you pussy! I'll take these matters into my own hands."


	5. Act 5: Medusa

Act 5: Medusa

* * *

Lisa hides in a bedroom, covered with tears. A voice suddenly speaks to her. "Why are you so afraid of my Lord Dracula?"

"Because, he's evil. And evil is……bad!"

"Wow. And I thought Succubus was dumb…" Medusa slides into the room. "Hello."

Lisa screams and throws a lantern at Medusa. Medusa catches it. "Whoa! Careful!"

"Wait….did Perseus from Greek Mythology kill you? Clash of the Titans!"

Medusa laughs. "Yes, but Lord Dracula revived me. I am now a servant of his." She sits her snake like body next to Lisa. "What's the matter, my dear?"

"I was fooled. I thought Lord Drake was a good person."

"Based on what?"

"Well….he's a lord…."

"Oh sweetheart. Priests may be priests, but some still molest children."

"What?"

"Nothing. Come on, let's get you dress for dinner."

* * *

In a massive dressing room, Medusa and Succubus push Lisa around with new outfits and dresses. "Girls! Please! Not so many dresses!" Lisa giggles. "Though, this IS fun."

Suddenly, Death barges into the room. "Hey, babycakes!" He stares Lisa down. "Let's see…how do we make you look FAB-U-LOUS!f"

"Death."

"Yes, sweetums."

"Why are you guys being so nice to me? Aren't you all supposed to be evil?"

"Me? Evil? Sweety, some people DESERVE to die, mmkay? It's beyond my control whether I have sympathy for them or not. I mean….is it really murder if you enjoyed killing the person?"

"Wait….what?"

"Your hair is so bright! It's almost as white as snow! I should just call you Mary! Like the little lamb!"

Medusa sighs. "Death. Mary was the girl who HAD the lamb who's fleece was white as snow."

"WHA-EV! KAY?" Death starts curling Lisa's hair. "Ignore Medusa. She hasn't been here long."

Lisa speaks up, "Why do you work for Dracula, Death?"

Medusa answers, "Dracula has possession of the 'Crimson Stone'. That gives him power over Death."

Death giggles. "Yes….THAT is why I work for Dracula."

Lisa smiles, "So then you two must be good friends."

Death turns away, "Yes……very good friends……in my dreams especially..….."

"What?"

"Nothing! I have to go now. Be sure to come for dinner! Gotta go!"

* * *

Lisa walks down the castle halls with Medusa. "Listen to me, child. You must be as kind to Lord Dracula as you possibly can. He is in a fowl mood today."

Lisa nods. "Alright…"

"Eat properly, and don't mention anything about Ovaltine."

"What wrong with Oval…"

"IT IS FORBIDDON!" Medusa's voice echoed the castle. "First impressions are everything. I wish you luck." Medusa opens the door to the dining hall.


	6. Act 6: Curse You, God!

Act 6: Curse You, God!

* * *

Dracula sits with Akmodan brushing his long white hair. Dracula stares into the mirror in front of him. "I can do this! Medusa claims she is willing to eat dinner with me. All I have to do is make a great impression!"

"No one makes great impressions like Gaston!" Gaston randomly appears in the room.

"Why are you here?" Dracula turns his head.

"Gaston away!" Gaston flies out the window by sprouting wings.

"Freak!" Dracula turns towards Werewolf. "Hey! Listen! You're handling the music today! Don't mess things up!"

Werewolf nods and runs off. Everyone in the room leaves.

Dracula looks into the mirror. "Alright, Dracula. Listen. You are no longer the Lord of Darkness. You are a perfect gentlemen! Keep that up, and you'll get the chick knocked up in no time!"

Dracula laughs. "Everything is turning out just fine!" Dracula suddenly slams his foot into a table. "FUCK! SHIT! PISS!" He grabs his foot in anger. "GOD DAMNIT! THAT FUCKING HURT! It's your entire fault God! You put that table there!"

Dracula breaks open a nearby window and stares into the sky. "GOD! YOU WILL CURSE THE DAY YOU PUT THAT TABLE IN MY PATH!!!" His voice echoed into the sky.

Dracula turns around and punches the wall in fury. The punch causes a dent in the wall. Immediately, the dent in the wall spits out a plate of pot roast. "FUCKING SHI~…." Dracula picks up the pot roast and proceeds to eat it. "OMNOMNOMNOM! I love this castle!"

* * *

Dracula steps into the dining hall. He's dressed in an entirely black suit. His white hair and goatee flow gently in the wind. Afar Death is watching him, crying over lust.

Dracula turns to Werewolf. "Start the music!" Werewolf begins playing the violin with other monsters. Despite their horrid appearance, the song is pleasant and soothing.

Suddenly, Lisa steps into the room. She wears a shining sapphire gown, with actual sapphire earrings hanging from both ears. They match perfectly with her eyes. She gives a frank and nervous smile as she walks down the stairs.

"Lisa? You look….lovely?"

Lisa stares at Lord Dracula. She is scared and has no idea what she is getting herself into. "I promised a dinner with you. And here I am."

The two stare at each other, with little knowledge of what lies in the future for this relationship.


	7. Act 7: The Dance

Act 7: The Dance

* * *

Dracula quietly eats his pot roast. "So, how is your pot roast?"

Lisa wipes her mouth. "It's…..nice…."

The two stare at each other nervously, and then back to their plates.

Suddenly, Medusa and Death stand in the distance. Medusa pulls up a large cue card.

'Say something nice!'

"Lisa. Has anyone every told you you have the prettiest smile?"

Lisa smiles. "No. In fact, no one ever talks to me."

Death lifts another cue card.

'Nice! Keep it up!'

Lisa lowers her fork and knife, "Your castle is absolutely gorgeous."

Medusa lifts another card. 'See! Things are going great!'

Death lifts one. 'You've got this in the bag!'

Suddenly, Akmodan appears with a cue card. 'Yo! What up, Big D?' Akmodan laughs quietly, until Death pierces his skull with a scythe.

Death raises another card. 'Sorry about that.'

Lisa sighs, "Maybe…I should give a second chance. I'm sorry I started things off so poorly."

Dracula smiles, "That would be wonderful."

Medusa lifts another card. 'THAT'S MY BOY!'

Death lifts a massive card. 'NOW TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES!' The card falls as Medusa punches Death in the jaw. Death falls, and then later gets up in tears.

Suddenly, Gaston appears with a cue card. 'No one takes off their clothes better than Gaston!' Gaston, again, flies away.

Werewolf suddenly speaks. His voice sounds like that of a British gentleman. "Now, would the lady and the lord of this castle like a dance?"

Dracula turns in shock. "What?"

Lisa gets up happily.

Dracula turns to Medusa and Death. Both lift cue cards in perfect sync.

Medusa: 'YOU'

Death: 'HAVE'

Medusa: 'TO'

Death: 'DANCE!'

Akmodan: 'YO, DRAKY D!'

After Akmodan is pierced with another scythe, Dracula gets up to dance. Medusa suddenly rushes down. She proceeds to sing, which she strangely sings like Mary Elizabeth McGlynn, and she sings every Silent Hill song she knows.

The two dance beautifully. A spark burns within their eyes. No one knows why, but the two have fallen completely in love with each other. The more Dracula stares, the less he cares about defying God.

Lisa, completely entranced by his ways, has found a good friendship with him. But she has yet to truly love him.

They both stop dancing. Dracula offers his arm, "Come! Let us go to the garden for a walk."

"Yes." Lisa smiles, "that would be lovely."

"Yes! Let's go to the garden!" Dracula rushes with her to the garden doors.

Opening the doors to the garden, a huge ball of corpses, Legion, floats in the sky. The two immediate turn around. "Let's not go into the garden! Let's pretend we never saw that!"


End file.
